Posted in Outrageous Lies and Tales

The place to go for Answers

George adjusted his chair at the reference desk just so and waited for his first patron of the day.  George loved this job helping people find things, looking up strange tidbits of information, and just increasing his own knowledge.  He had been doing this for six months and had enjoyed every day, nice people, quiet and the only unusual things that happened here were strange requests for strange information.

 

9:00 am. 

            The door opened and in walked a pair of gentleman, and older white man and a younger black man, nicely dressed in identical black suits,  identical white shirts and identical ties, either business men or some sort of religious thing, it really didn’t matter to George his job was to help people gather knowledge.

            “Yes, gentlemen, how can I help you?”

            “We are looking for a book that just arrived, from Africa, about yea big” the man motioned with his hands about two feet apart “weighing about 15 pounds, and smelling pretty badly.”

            George obviously had a quizzical look on his face, and the younger of the two men started speaking.  “Sorry about my friend’s strange request, we are from Customs and the book has some very bad terminates.”

            “I assure you gentleman, no book in this library has terminates, all old and rare books are quarantined before being placed on our shelves, and any suspected book is kept in a deep freeze for thirty days, to kill any biological vectors that might be present.” 

            By this time the older man had stepped away and was apparently talking to a set of encyclopedias.  That is when he noticed the younger man pull out a silver tube and place a pair of sunglasses on his face. 

 

10:30 a.m.

            George looked down at his watch, where had the morning gone, and why had he not had any patrons, granted the reference section was often slow on nice sunny days but he could not seem to recall anyone coming in yet.  The door chimed and three very nice looking young people came in, most likely high school students doing some sort of summer project, it was nice to see young people in the library, not all knowledge could be found on the computer at least not yet.   The girl spoke first. 

            “Hello, we are looking for a book, a very old book; we have been to every book dealer in the city and just cannot seem to locate it.”  She stated this with a very nice British accent.

            “Well you have come to the right place; if I cannot help you then I am not sure who can.”  George said smiling.  “Now then what book are you looking for?”

            The red-headed boy spoke now.  “It is called “Ridiculous Enchantments, but I am sure you will not be able to tell us anything about it.”

            A nice British aceent, must be here on some sort of summer school trip. George shook his head initially “You are correct I don’t know anything about it, but let me ask you a question or two before I begin searching, is it an English language book?

            The red head nodded. 

            “And is it fiction or non-fiction?

            This seemed to stump the children.  “Fiction or non-fiction?”  The third boy finally spoke up that is when George noticed a particular scar on his forehead, right above his glasses. 

            “Yes, is it a true story, or does it puropte itself to be a true account of something.   

            The girl spoke up.  “I am not sure what you would classify it as, but I think most people would believe it to be untrue. “

            The red head mumbled something under his breath.  “At least to struggles, it would be untrue.”  At least that is what George thought he said. 

            After a few more questions, about the author, or who published it, or where it was printed, all of which the kids could not answer, George tried to search by book title in the computer and in the card catalog, both of which resulted in no findings.  The girl was the most helpful but the boys stayed off by themselves talking in low tones.  After George explained to the kids the difficulty in the search and if he had more information he might be able to help them more, the red-headed boy nodded to the boy with the glasses who said.  “Sorry about this but it is for your protection,”, and pulled out a stick, waved it and said “Obilivate”.

 

12:00 Lunchtime.

            George ate his tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat bread, and read this month’s addition of Reader’s Digest alone in the break room.   He found the note Mary left for him, ‘Love you hope you had a good morning.’   The note gave him time to pause for a second.  Did he have a good morning?   Then he went back to Humor in Uniform.

 

1:00 p.m. 

            He had back at his desk for a half an hour now and looked around, everything was in place, nothing needed to be shelved and nothing needed to be put away, which was strange, usually by this time everyday things were getting a bit disorderly.   A low hum and a strange light caught his peripheral vision and he looked up and there were two gentlemen standing in front of him, he had not even heard the chime on the door announcing their presence in the reference room. 

            “Yes, may I help you?”   He addressed them, the one in a yellow velour shirt stepped forward and the one in the blue velour shirt pulled out some sort of computer strapped around his neck. 

            “Yes, we need some help” and he gestured with his hands towards George, pausing with the gesture “we need to find some information on whales” again the thing with the hands, and the pausing.  George guessed English might not be his first language.  “

            “Okay, what type of whales or just whales in general?” 

The one in the yellow shirt nodded to the one in the blue and he came forward. “Specifically we are looking for mammals of the family Balaenoteridae, species: Megaptera Novaeangliae or commonly referred as the humpback whales, more importantly their soundings, the noises they create under water commonly referred to as songs and what those songs may communicate.”

            “I see.”  George replied. “Okay let us begin with a computer search.”  And George motioned towards the machine. 

            “I see, and this computer will have all the information we seek?”  The gentleman in blue questioned. 

“Well it should be a good start.” 

            The one in yellow turned to the one in blue and stated.  “Since we have access to this machine now, and we do not want to interrupt the time stream any further, perhaps it would be best if you corrected his memory.” He said nodding in George’s direction.  

           “Of course Captain.”  That is when the tall thin man in blue reached across the desk with his fingers spread apart and put his hands up to George’s face. 

 

4:00 p.m.       

            Where had the day gone, it was almost quitting time and the day had just flown by.  Ah here was a customer an older man in a robe and a teenager, almost a man dressed in what looked could be called a tunic.   George had the weirdest sense of déjà vu that some other strange religious people had been around earlier today but he could not place them.  

“Yes gentleman can I help you? 

“Yes,” the young man replied.  “We are looking for a way to leave the planet.” 

“Something that would avoid any imperial entanglements.” The older man added. 

           “Hmmm, private space travel, now that is an interesting topic, as for imperial I did read where the royal Saudi family is looking into space travel.  I think I saw something about in an article about Lloyds of London doing the insurance policy.”

“Lloyds is not what we are looking for.” 

“Lloyds is not what you looking for.”

 

            George arrived home at promptly six o’clock and Mary had dinner waiting for him.  George kissed her on the cheek and then took off his jacket and hung it up in the hall closet.  They sat down to eat and she asked him the same question she asked him every night.  “How was work today?” And at this point he would talk about the college student he had helped with a term paper, or about the little old lady looking up her Scottish roots or whatever thing had happened today.  It was at that point, George had to ask himself, how was work today, he stopped himself, and looked at the mash potato spoon in his hand. 

            “What is wrong dear, something bad happen at work today?”

            “I honestly don’t know I am drawing a complete blank.”

Posted in Outrageous Lies and Tales

Great Grandpappy Abner

This is a story about my Great Great Grandfather Abner Foringer (back in those days the did not have enough money for three Rs in our last name) and his time in law enforcement.

Well Grandpappy Foringer was a deputy sheriff up in Washabuckforest County, Pa and part of his job was serving court papers, and transporting prisoners to and from the county jail.

Well one day Grandpappy Abner is transporting a single prisoner back to jail in the back of his Ford Model A pickup truck. The prisoner was the serial litter bug Juan Feliz Navidad, who had been sentenced by the Honorable Judge Ceaser N. Greetings to a period of 30 days and no nights in the county jail.

Well it had been raining in Washabuckforest County for the last three days so the roads were muddy and the creeks were flooding so it was taking a long time to drive the 5 leagues to the county jail, when Grandpappy Abner came to the banks of the Scrubadub creek (which is Indian for that White man needs a bath) and the bridge had been washed out.   So he turned around and headed to the long way around.

By this time it was getting on till supper time and since neither he nor Juan Feliz  Navidad had eaten yet he decided to stop at Mary’s diner.  Mary served the best pie in the county and Abner was hoping to get a slice of apple, and Juan stated he would be happy with anything as long as it was not raisin as he hated raisin pie.  Well the pulled into the Christmas diner and there was no other cars in the parking lot, it being a rainy Tuesday night and the local Royal Order of the Sea Otter club had bingo every Tuesday night.

Well Grandpappy Abner and Juan went in and had a wonderful meal of mash potatoes and meatloaf and green beans. And they were just getting ready to order pie when two huge men came crashing thru the front door.  It was the Head brothers, they were mean, they were ornery, the smelled bad,  and had been kicked out of Vacation Bible school when they were eight and nine for lighting the preachers Bible on fire with a magnifying glass.

Well they knocked over some chairs and sat down at the counter and ordered two whole pies which were the last ones in the diner.  Miss Christmas served them and they proceeded to eat those two pies with the dirty greasy fingers.  Well Grandpappy Abner was disappointed but it was not against the law to eat pie in a nasty manner.  So he paid his bill took his prisoner to the bathroom and was coming out when he heard Mary yelling.

The two Head brothers were by the front door and Mary was blocking the door.   They had eaten almost the whole pies and then complained about the pies being terrible and said they were not paying for the pies.    Well anyone in Washabuckforest County knew that the Christmas pies were the best around and still are till this day.  Well Grandpappy Abner knew that these two rascals were not going to get away with intimidating Mary, so after telling Juan to sit down he approached the two Head boys from the rear and tapped them on the shoulder.  The two turned as one to face Grandpappy and when the saw the star pinned to his shirt they looked at each other smiled and then both threw punches.   Well Grandpappy was ready for this and held up a pie pan (now this was not the wimpy pie pans we have now a day’s these were made to last, in fact a pie pan like this was used as a spare tire for landing a B17 flying fortress in WW2 but that is another story) and caught both punches right where his jaw should have been.   Well this broke both of the Head boys hands, but these were seasoned brawlers and they were not going to let a few broken bones stop them, and the fight was on.  There was punching, kicking, gouging and poking,  and as tough as Grandpappy Abner was there were two of them Head boys, so right as Grandpappy was biting the smaller one on the ankle the bigger one was about to bash Grandpappy with a full Coke bottle.   I say was about to, when Juan, a man about to be taken to jail by Grandpappy Abner and still in handcuffs hit the senior Head brother on the noggin with the pie pan which had been dropped to the floor during the brawl.

The pie pan unforntunelty had a dent in it, and so did the older Head brother, which was not unfortunate.  With one brother out cold the other  brother was very easily controlled and Grandpappy was able to handcuff them together after taking the handcuffs off Juan.   Well with that Grandpappy paid his bill, Mary promised him a free pie  next time he came in and  they were off again for the drive to the jail but this was a problem there was not enough room in the back of the truck for all three prisoners,  and due to an unfortunate accident with a cigar and a bottle of rum there was no passenger seat.

Grandpappy could not un-cuff the Head brothers, and he was not going to make Juan ride on bare metal all the way to the prison, especially not since Juan had probably just saved him from a pretty bad beating.  Well Grandpappy made a decision and told Juan he was letting him go if he promised to turn himself in the next morning which Juan agreed to.  Well with that Grandpappy took the Head brothers to jail.  When he got there he explained to the sheriff what happened and the sheriff agreed with him,  and that is where we get the saying.

Two Heads are better than Juan.