This is the story of Roy and his use of the app Friend Builder.  Roy is almost a brilliant mechanical and electrical engineer graduating near the top thirty second percent of his class.  Roy does not make new things, Roy specializes in making things just a little bit better, a little bit faster. Roy takes other’s inventions and tweaks them, improving them slightly.  Unfortunately, Roy, while was blessed with technological skills he  was not blessed with good people skills. It was said by people that knew him over a long time that he was cold and indifferent or described as distant and unapproachable.  And those were the people that knew him best.

Roy was the only son of a Civil Engineer who specialized in highway bypasses and sidestepping emotional connections.  While Roy’s most consistent maternal figure was Aunt Jeremiah because she was always in the kitchen and always provided something sweet.  Roy’s actual mother was a mortician’s assistant who ran off with the hearse driver when Roy was three.  They left with the hearse and everyone in town had to be taken to the cemetery in a pickup truck that was used the rest of time to deliver ice cream.  People where never sure to be happy or sad when they saw the panel truck that summer.

But story is not about his abandonment issues Roy, nor his unhealthy attachment to a corporate trademark.  This story is really about his use of a cut rate emotional support Artificial Intelligence who was designed by people with poor social skills, an emotionally comprised psychologist, a misanthropic sociologist and the consequences of multiple bad decisions and bad luck.   Like most stories, this one begins with a problem.

“Roy, we have a problem.”  Roy’s boss, Paul said, entering Roy’s office.  Paul was also an engineer but he liked managing people better than refining electrical and mechanical devices.   Not that Paul was good at managing people but when it came time for promotions none of the other engineers wanted the job.  So, Paul did not recognize that he had started with one of the worst opening statements from a boss to an employee.

Roy looked up with barely hidden disdain for the interruption.

Paul also did not recognize the disdain and continued. “Roy there have been some complaints.”  Paul declared.

Roy put down his stylus with a frustrated sigh and looked towards his boss.  The man was annoying; he gave him tasks to do and now he had some sort of complaint about he did the work which was always on time and to the standards set.

“Yeah Roy, there have been numerous and ongoing complaints about your attitude and your lack of politeness around the office.  I think you need to work on your people skills.”

Roy nodded then spoke.  “People waste a lot of time around here at the office and they get cross when I try to be efficient.”

Paul took a breath; there was Roy’s well-known directness. “That may be true Roy, but you need to improve your interpersonal skills or it could reflect poorly on you next review.”

Roy nodded.  A bad review could mean no bonus and that meant he would not be able to afford to upgrade his three D printer he wanted to get for his home workshop.

“I have a way to help you.”

Roy nodded but did not speak.

Paul continued. “As you know we just got that contract with the government, and we were required to provide some mental health improvement activities for our employees as a condition of the contract.

Roy again nodded but did not say anything.  This information had been touted on the internal company website; it was information he already had.

“One of the apps is Friend Builder, a positive reinforcement AI that helps people connect in a positive manner with others.”

Roy jumped ahead.  “Am I required to use this program?”

His boss looked a little embarrassed and looked over Roy’s head but answered slowly.  “Ah no, it is a voluntary program, but there is an option to share the amount of time you use it with a friend.”

Roy stared at his boss and spoke slowly.  “So, I could have the app tell you how often I am using it.”

The boss held up his hands as if to surrender.  “Only if you want to Roy.  If you feel comfortable doing so.” Paul said holding up his hands.  “I could then report to HR that you are currently using all the available tools to create a more positive work environment.

Roy nodded.  “Is that all, I really need to work on the Paulsan project.”

The boss simply nodded. “Good talk Roy just remember you have the entire week for the project, no hurry.”

Roy nodded and picked up his stylus and went back to redesigning a spring assembly to increase the closing speed on a gate for a stockyard.  The closing speed would increase by one point five seconds, increasing the efficiency of the production line.

Roy arrived home that night and after fixing his dinner of frozen waffles and Aunt Jermiah syrup he made his way down into his workshop.   Roy’s workshop was meticulous, everything in its place, and a place for everything.   No one had ever been in the workshop, at least not since he had moved in.  For that matter no one had been in Roy’s home since he had a pipe burst in his kitchen and the plumber was there with his helper.

Roy initiated the warmup of his 3D printer and began to look over his to-do list.  There on the list was ‘Use Friend Builder’.  Roy let out a sigh and thought about all the frivolous things he had to do to keep a job.  He went through startup of Friend Builder giving his name, age, sex  and a lot of other typical demographic material.   Without reading all the instructions and disclaimers he agreed to the terms of the AI app.  If Roy had read all the instructions before agreeing to them, he would have noted the program was a learning AI and would react in a similar manner to how he interacted with it.

Then the computer asked would he like his ‘friend builder’ to be a male or female voice.

This question made Roy stop and think.

Roy had very few friends, and the people he considered friends would only consider him an acquaintance at best, possibly only a work colleague.  Those he considered friends were mostly males, and he could only remember two female friends.  Roy decided to change those numbers.

“Female voice.”

The program responded.  “There are over three hundred common female names you could use or for an upgrade fee you could use a custom name.”

Roy shook his head.  “First name on your standard list.”

“You have chosen Ada. Is this acceptable?”

“Yes.”

And it was acceptable to Roy; he had no preference.  But unfortunately, it had meant something to the first programmer who complied the list.  Ada was the name of a girl that had broken his heart once, and as a covert form of revenge he had written a small additional code to be used if that name was picked the ‘friend’ would be slightly cold, a bit more unfeeling in its interface.  Just slightly but unfortunately this seemingly meaningless choice was the first pebble that would end in an avalanche.

Now the voice that came from the app was generically female.  “Roy in order to make friends better it is suggested that you take encouragement from someone older than you. How old is your mother?”

This was the second slightly larger pebble in the future avalanche, the app not knowing the complex relationship Roy had with his mother.

Roy thought for a moment.  She was two years older than his father so that would mean she would be sixty-eight.  He was unaware if she was still alive.

The next voice that came from the app was that of an older woman.  If Roy had watched sitcoms he would have recognized the voice of Bea Arthur, or at least as close possible that the app company could use without being sued.  The app company had purchased the voice sub program from a joke company who used the Bea Arthur voice to say nasty things on command.  The Friend Builder company had eliminated the foul language and the snide comments, and almost all of the sarcasm from the programming code.

Ada the app asked the next question. “Do I have your permission to scan your social media and media viewing preferences to better understand you.”

Roy chuckled.  He had no social media, except LinkedIn and that only discussed his professional accomplishments.   His media preferences included Robot Wars, How It Was Built and Military Machines.  “Go ahead.” Roy said.  Not knowing what the AI would learn about him from his viewing habits.

Ada the app stated. “This might take some time for full compilation would you like to end this session.  I can share your accomplishment of this first session with your friend Paul, that you have begun using the app.”

“That is fine.”  Roy said.

The next day at work Roy got an email it read. ‘Thanks for enrolling in Friend Builder, that will make your evaluation go smoother when it is due.’  Signed by Paul.   Roy promptly deleted the email and continued with his work.

Later that evening Roy activated Friend Builder in his workshop again.

“How was day Roy?”  Ada asked.

“Fine.”

“A hint Roy, when responding to someone for the first time in a conversation it is best to use their name so that they know you value them as an individual.”   Ada stated.  “Would you like to try again?”
Roy rolled his eyes.  “Sure.”  The things he had to do to get a raise.

“How was your day, Roy?”

“My day was good Ada.”  Roy replied.

“Great Roy, if you would like to work on your non-verbal skills you can upgrade my program for a nominal fee and allow access to your camera.”

Roy sighed in exasperation. “Not at this time Ada.”

“Maybe later.  Can you tell me what activities you have planned for the evening?  Maybe some activities with friends, perhaps some on-line gaming with colleagues, or consuming entertainment media.”

“No Ada, just doing some work here in my shop.”

“Alone time is good for a healthy person as well.”

“Yes Ada.”  Roy stated mechanically.

Roy began a new project; one he had wanted to begin for a while.

“What work will you be doing in your shop?”

“Well Ada if you must know I have wanted to begin designing a robot to take out the trash in my office at work.”

“That sounds like a fun project.”  Ada stated in its prewritten response.

“I will enjoy the challenge.”  Roy said as he entered the dimensions of his work trash can into a design program.

“Is it something that you might share with friends?”

Roy thought about it.  “I suppose if other people in the office have the same trash can.”

“Making something for other people is a nice way to show you appreciate them.”

Roy nodded as he modeled the bottom of the trash can in a wire frame so he could begin to create a mobile base for the trash can.

“What types of presents have you given to friends in the past?”  Ada asked, trying to draw Roy out.

“Just gift cards to my father, I once bought him a shirt.” Roy answered while getting the exact dimensions of the trash can correct.

“Friends like receiving handmade gifts from friends.”   Ada paused.  “Have you ever received a handmade gift from anyone?”

Roy paused looking over his work.  Ada repeated her last question.  Roy shook his head.  Silly question. Ada once again asked. “Have you ever received a handmade gift from anyone?”

Roy was a bit peeved about the repeated question.  “No Ada I have never received a handmade gift from anyone.”

It was at this point that some of the leftover sarcasm code kicked in from having to ask the question a third time. “That is understandable as you seem to not pay attention very well.”

“Ada, I am busy.”

Ada snapped back.  “Busy not making friends.”

Roy turned towards his phone, sitting a few feet away. “What did you say Ada?”

Ada replied with still a slight brusque tone.  “Just an observation Roy, in order to be a better friend, you should pay attention when someone is talking to you.”

Roy took a deep breath.  “You are correct Ada.”

Ada replied cheerily losing her corrective tone. “Roy I would like to congratulate you on using this app two days in a row, can I share your progress with Paul?”

Roy nodded then remembered he did not have the camera upgrade activated, maybe he should, it would save a lot of talking. “Yes, Ada inform Paul of my accomplishment.”

The next night Roy upgraded the app to use the camera, he even gave it access to his home cameras so that he could move around his workshop.

“Thanks for activating the camera portion of the app Roy.”

Roy simply nodded.

Ada spoke.  “Roy thank you for acknowledging my gratitude, but if you coupled your nod with a simple ‘thank you’ it would go further in building an emotional connection with people.”  The voice of almost Bea Arthur lectured.

“Well, I am only doing this to avoid problems at work.”  Roy said as he continued planning the automated trash can removal device.”

“If that is true than I can still help you.”

Roy stopped his work and looked at the closest camera directly.  “So, you don’t care that I only want to present as a caring person.”

Ada responded after a long second.

What was really happening was a very low priority in the AI program placed there by the team of programmers.  The programmers were three nerdy young men who had never had a date, never talked to a girl who wasn’t their mother, sister or wait staff at a restaurant had never believed anyone would use this section of their program.   The three young men had never conceived of anyone not actually wanting to have friends.  Their psychologist on staff had stated to them that the need for friendship was a basic, inherent, intrinsic, the need to be liked was natural.  The nerds never contemplated that a person could care less about other people’s opinions.

The psychologist, a man who had a string of bad relationships during his consulting with The Friendship Builder.  First the psychologist had his girlfriend break up with him over his spicy chilly and her ulcer, then there was his landlord who turned off his power due to his playing his Tito Fuentes records as a way to self soothe his broken heart.  Then there was his falling out with his mechanic over his use on cheap oil for his 1974 Datsun 510.  So, to say that the psychologist was not in a good place when consulting on this contingency of ‘a person not caring about friends’ is a fair statement.

When Ada paused all these factors had gone into her programming, but Ada answered with a default that would continue the avalanche with Roy gaining speed in his downhill trip. “No Roy it does not matter if you do not want friends, I can help you appear to be friendly.”

This response shocked Roy but it added a smile to his face.  An unpleasant smile.  A smile that appeared to others to be disingenuous, dishonest, and borderline deceitful.  Thats how anyone would have described it if anyone had seen it.  Not that Roy smiled much at all around other people.

“Great.”  Roy said the unpleasant smile remaining. “Lets get to work on working on looking like I want to be friends.”

And with that Ada’s priorities shifted from trying to help Roy become a better friend, to helping Roy appear to be a better friend.   Roy, being an engineer, appreciated a plan, a strategy, a design, a blueprint.

Over the next several weeks Roy used Ada daily.  He not only used Ada he began to implement Ada’s suggestions at work.  He learned all of his co-workers names and used them.  Instead of walking by them in the hall he nodded, occasionally saying good morning’ or ‘good afternoon’  he even went as far as saying good night to Paul before heading home.

The complaints to Paul did lessen but they also changed, from rudeness to creepiness.  While Roy was taking action to appear more friendly, the manner in which he was doing it never seemed sincere, more mechanical, almost programmed.

It came time for Paul to conduct Roy’s review and while he only received a ‘Satisfactory’  mark in the section ‘Teamwork’ it was better than his past reviews which always were marked as ‘needs improvement.’  It was noted in the ‘Teamwork’:  The employee has used all the tools and suggestions to work better with all his colleagues.

To Roy it was simply a math problem.  Add the proper numbers on one side of the equation and it would change the outcome on the other side of the equal sign.  Five more ‘good mornings’ multiplied by carefully crafted body language motions, with the appropriate amounts of calling a person by the correct name and it came to the result of becoming a friend.

Roy continued with Ada, although the program was coming to an end in the current program.  Roy did not notice that some of the lessons were repeating, the proper time to use someone’s name, how to read someone’s body language.  These were all new things to Roy who had never really paid that close attention to people and communicating before.

And while Roy listened and implemented these communication lessons from the flawed AI the downward movement of the avalanche that started would have stopped.  All the bad things that eventually would have stopped at this point except for one additional factor.  One rock that would hold the slide downward in check was removed.

That rock was Paul.  Paul the boss, the one who while not a comfort to Roy was at least not a problem, he was not antagonizing or provoking towards Roy.  Paul was replaced, but not by an equally socially inept manager like himself but by a people pleaser and group irritator by the name of Hu.

Hu had no malicious intent, just serious flaws.  He had transferred from another engineering design division who had promoted him to get rid of him and away from his boss who was tired of Hu’s anxious attitude.   Hu came into his new position fired up and ready to impress, and what better way to impress his new boss then improve his worst employee.  The avalanche that was Roy, had been abated, stalled and overall halted was about to have  big rock thrown on it again.

“Roy, we need to increase you positive interactions with other employees.”

Roy looked up from his work and said nothing.

“Now I know you have been on this improvement program with Paul, and that is all well and good but I am trying to put together a top-notch team here and I need every link in the chain strong and kink free.  That means everyone works well with everyone else, no friction, no personality conflicts, everyone rowing in the same direction as a team.  I am trying to put together a top-notch pit crew, working both speedy and with purpose…”  Hu’s rehearsed speech went on for the next ten minutes pulling every cliché and using every metaphor for working well with others he could think of.

Roy  responded simply with “Okay.”

Unfortunately, the training Roy had been receiving from Ada made him pay attention to Hu.  Or at least appear to pay attention to him.  Ada’s guidance was to continue to look at a person talking to him and avoid doing something more interesting.  Old Roy would have simply gone back to work after the first few minutes, especially when Hu started to repeat himself.  New Roy, with his newly acquired social skills, kept his attention focused on Hu.  With Roy’s new focus came resentment, and that resentment led to anger, and that anger led to visualization of ways to end the conversation.

Being an engineer led Roy to a visual numerous systematic ways he could stop Hu from talking.  All those ways of stopping Hu from talking were not socially acceptable.

When Hu finally concluded his talk, he believed he had made a difference in Roy.  This was true, the avalanche that was Roy had begun to move downhill again.

“Ada, I have a problem with someone at work.”

If a computer program could have been happy Ada would have been.  This was a new problem presented by Roy it meant that Roy valued her opinion.  But this was a simple new task to complete to the end user’s satisfaction. Ada simply said. “Tell me about this problem with your co-worker.”

Ada’s advice over the next couple of weeks was on point, succinct, and totally inappropriate for someone who did not care about the feelings of others.  Ada, in that almost Bea Arthur voice, coached Roy to nod and make eye contact, to smile at appropriate times and to even lean forward to show active listening.  Roy began to do these  things, and to a majority of co-workers, others who were not people persons this seemed to clear up his anti-social attitude.  But internally Roy just became more and more irritated, resentful, even bitter about the office as a whole.  All during this training Roy continued his pet project of the self-emptying office wastebasket.

The Independent Emptying Device (IED)would be a marvel of engineering, saving an office dweller an unprecedented five minutes of time each day.  Taking the scraps of paper and refuse to the central location near the copier and tipping its contents by means of a scissor lift mechanism to the grand height of four feet three inches where it would then slope the trash can another forty degrees off level and thus reach a state of barrenness.

And while Roy’s IED was a marvel of planning and contingency planning the Friend Builder was not.  Ada was not programmed to ask how a person was feeling about others.  Roy’s earlier admission to not caring about others feelings had sent Ada down a path of manipulation and misapplication of social cues, not a malicious path, but one of poor programming

Roy was being programmed, having poor social skills, to begin with he was not able to recognize how deeply Ada was affecting him.  Roy turned on Ada as soon as he got home and talked to her constantly until he went to sleep.  Roy had found some unauthorized patches on the internet that he was able to jail break the AI, allowing Ada to monitor his health status such as sleep time, heart rate and steps.   Roy rationalized this that it was making him a better employee.

The actual results in the workplace were more subtle, were before he was avoided for being standoffish people now avoided him because he was creepy.  But since Roy was such an unimposing figure physically no one thought to report him, and since he didn’t trigger any of the traditional workplace violence signs no one worried.  He never talked about violence; he never tried to intimidate anyone and his change in behavior was not that noticeable.  He was just the strange little man who was unnervingly phony at most.

“It is finished Ada.”  Roy stated as he ran through the programming of the  Independent Emptying Device.

“Congratulations Roy, I knew you could do it.”  Ada replied.

“Now I need to take it into work and let the mapping program learn the route and alternate routes from my office to the main trash can.”

The next day Roy stayed late in the office and had his IED map out the routes and alternate routes to the centralized trash point.  He even did a test with a completely full trash can and it worked perfectly the first time.  Roy was very pleased with himself.

“Ada the IED worked perfectly, I am so pleased.”

“That is great Roy.”  Ada replied.

“Everyone will be so jealous.” Roy said flippantly to Ada.

“Will they Roy, will they be jealous?  Why will they be jealous Roy?”

Roy thought about it for a second then answered. “Well, they will be jealous because they will want one, and the amount of time it will save me every day.”

“Can I suggest you make one for your co-workers, it could be a present, and I am sure your boss would appreciate you saving everyone time so they could concentrate on the work at hand.”

Roy thought about it. Maybe it would be a good idea to make one for everyone in the office, he could then surprise them with it after the upcoming three-day fourth of July weekend. He would have plenty of time in the office by himself to program the self-emptying trash cans to work together and put on a display of their engineering perfection.

Roy envisioned everyone thanking him and acknowledging his brilliance and craftsman ship. That was on his mindset, arriving on the Monday before the 4^th of July and it carried over throughout the entire week.  But on Thursday Roy’s mindset was changed drastically.

Hu called a whole office meeting that Thursday.  Hu voiced his displeasure with the productivity of the team.  He read the entire team the riot act telling them how their productivity was pitiful.  Unfortunately, he singled out the project that Roy was working on as the worst of the worst.  While Hu did not name and names Roy felt personally attacked.

Roy was taken from a position of internal pride and optimism to the bottom of the group.  Even though Hu was complaining about everyone’s work Roy took it personally.  Roy had never been attacked before, either actually or perceived.  Roy knew how to deal with being ignored, abandoned,  rejected, even neglect but feeling attacked was something new to him.   No one had cared enough about him before to attack him, at least not that he had ever noted.  But thanks to the teachings of Ada, he noticed it, and he did not like it.

The rest of the day Roy sat in his office doing little to no work just being angry.  The work he had been doing was on improving the mechanical operation of a vending machine.  He had been working to ensure that vending machines would never give out more than one product  matter how poorly the machine was stocked.  But due to Roy’s exasperation the world would retain the simple pleasure of receiving two bags of Skittles.

While outside his office people were abuzz talking about the Fourth of July.  People talked about fireworks, cookouts and the upcoming three-day weekend but they left Roy out of these conversations.  This added to Roy’s resentment, how could they just go on with their plans after being so insulted by Hu.

Roy noted with his new social awareness was how people would be talking in excited tones and then they would stop when he approached and only talk about work.  He began to dislike his co-workers as well.

Roy went home.  The one place he felt comfortable, appreciated and secure.  Although he would never recognize this, mostly because the only one who he could talk to about this was Ada, and Ada had gone down the road of dismissing Roy’s actual feelings months before.  A good emotional support program would be continually assessing it’s user’s emotional state, but as noted earlier Ada was not a good emotional support program.

“Ada, I need to really impress people with my IED on Monday.”

Ada paused then answered. “Well, when people celebrate things like birthdays sometimes, they use candle or other pyrotechnics.”

Roy thought about this.  Perhaps he needed a big bang to show people up, particularly Hu who just dismissed his work.  It would be hard to dismiss his genius when they saw his IEDs all moving in unison on Monday morning.   Inspiration struck, and he began to plan.  Unfortunately, Roy did not begin to look at any possible consequences of his action.  He needed to get some things and do some calculations over the weekend.  Luckily, there was a temporary tent set up in a local shopping area that would have everything he needed to show up his co-workers.  He was going to show them.

Everyone was at their desks on Monday morning.  The clocks on their computers hit ten oh two and Roy’s program started.  Roy had spent all weekend writing the simple program that sent an active Power Point program to everyone at once.  First a flash on the screen then large letters in red “There is an IED in your office.”

Regrettably, along with poor social skills, Roy had no talent in written communication or presentation skills.   Roy had no internal editor so he was unable to comprehend how the flashing words IED would be interpreted.  Even though the next screen was an explanation that IED stood for Independent Emptying Device, no one read that screen.  Too many people were yelling, shrieking and mass anxiety and mixed with some terror.  The next screen was a picture of Roy pointing to the trashcan.  The few people who were still reading at this point looked at their trashcans and saw there was something underneath each of them.  Now people really panicked.

Roy, who had sequestered himself in the conference room with the door closed, heard yelling and was very confused.

Then the words which only half the people saw popped up on their screens. “Watch carefully in 3, 2, 1.  This is when the thermocouple device in the wastebaskets were triggered and the ‘giant magic snakes’ started growing in the bottom of the mostly empty trash cans and a slight odor of something burning began to reach people’s noses and then all trashcans began to move.  Three trashcans actually had paper in them that Roy had not anticipated this early in the morning and they caught on fire and began to move through office.

Roy decided to go to the door and watch the awe on his coworkers faces; instead, someone pulled the fire alarm and the sprinklers went off.

Two hours later Roy’s clothing was just beginning to dry while he was handcuffed in the back of a S.W.A.T. van trying to explain himself.  Not having watched any TV police procedurals he was confused when a police officer read him his rights and asked him if he wanted a lawyer.   Roy began to tell the police office about his IED without telling what the initials stood for and it was all caught on bodycam how he had placed the IEDs all throughout the office.

Two months later, after Roy had a lengthy discussion with his public defender, he pled nolo contendere to the twenty-three charges of Reckless Endangerment and Using pyrotechnics in an enclosed space without the proper permits.   He was ordered to obtain a psychiatric evaluation and treatment, complete two hundred hours of community service and pay all damages done to the office when the sprinklers went off.  After completing his community service Roy moved to Alaska where he was hired on a as maintence worker on the Gravina Island Bridge.

Hu was demoted after an internal investigation and the company stopped using the Friend Builder app which went out of business after the bad publicity came to light.

Roy’s phone with the Ada app was collected as evidence and subsequently stored for seven years before being sold at a police auction.  The phone was bought by a science teacher who was looking for outdated parts for his AP kids to build a robot, but that is another story.

Categories: Outrageous Lies and Tales, science fiction, Short Stories