Posted in Quotes

Advice

eddiemurphy

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.    Eddie Murphy

Edward Regan “Eddie” Murphy (born April 3, 1961)is an American comedian, actor, writer, singer, and producer. Box-office takes from Murphy’s films make him the 5th-highest grossing actor in the United States. He was a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1980 to 1984 and has worked as a stand-up comedian. He was ranked #10 on Comedy Central‘s list of the 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time.

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Posted in Movie Speeches

Earful of Cider – Speech

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Good advice, Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra, what else do you need.

On the day when I left home to make my way in the world, my Daddy took me to one side. ‘Son,’ my Daddy says to me, ‘I am sorry I am not able to bankroll you to a very large start, but not having the necessary lettuce to get you rolling, instead I’m going to stake you to some very valuable advice.

One of these days in your travels, a guy is going to show you a brand-new deck of cards on which the seal is not yet broken. Then this guy is going to offer to bet you that he can make the jack of spades jump out of this brand-new deck of cards and squirt cider in your ear. But, son, you do not accept this bet, because as sure as you stand there, you’re going to wind up with an ear full of cider.

The clip is a little long, and the speech is towards the beginning. But watch the whole clip for the punchline. Ah words to live by.

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Posted in Travel and Diversions

Elevators, Fifty Fun Things to Do In

Don’t Have time to write anything, So I will give you this, picked this up in 1999. I must have copied and pasted it while at the job I had back then because the author is listed my place of employment. I am sure the e-mail quoted on it is no good no more, I mean who keeps an e-mail for 14 years. I never knew Alan R. Meiss, but somehow I got this list he put together, so thanks Alan wherever you are.

elevator

Elevators, Fifty Fun Things to Do In

A Boring Place Made More Enjoyable (Real)

By Alan R. Meiss , ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu
Dated: 19940524

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got
enough air in there?”
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stays open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the
bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
“I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not
now, damn motion sickness!”
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say “Oops!”
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one
of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say: “Mmmm… tasty!”
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?”
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

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And in case Mr. Alan R. Meiss ever googles himself, I put his name in the tags, spelled with both the middle initial and without it.