Posted in Outrageous Lies and Tales

Great Grandpappy Abner


This is a story about my Great Great Grandfather Abner Foringer (back in those days the did not have enough money for three Rs in our last name) and his time in law enforcement.

Well Grandpappy Foringer was a deputy sheriff up in Washabuckforest County, Pa and part of his job was serving court papers, and transporting prisoners to and from the county jail.

Well one day Grandpappy Abner is transporting a single prisoner back to jail in the back of his Ford Model A pickup truck. The prisoner was the serial litter bug Juan Feliz Navidad, who had been sentenced by the Honorable Judge Ceaser N. Greetings to a period of 30 days and no nights in the county jail.

Well it had been raining in Washabuckforest County for the last three days so the roads were muddy and the creeks were flooding so it was taking a long time to drive the 5 leagues to the county jail, when Grandpappy Abner came to the banks of the Scrubadub creek (which is Indian for that White man needs a bath) and the bridge had been washed out.   So he turned around and headed to the long way around.

By this time it was getting on till supper time and since neither he nor Juan Feliz  Navidad had eaten yet he decided to stop at Mary’s diner.  Mary served the best pie in the county and Abner was hoping to get a slice of apple, and Juan stated he would be happy with anything as long as it was not raisin as he hated raisin pie.  Well the pulled into the Christmas diner and there was no other cars in the parking lot, it being a rainy Tuesday night and the local Royal Order of the Sea Otter club had bingo every Tuesday night.

Well Grandpappy Abner and Juan went in and had a wonderful meal of mash potatoes and meatloaf and green beans. And they were just getting ready to order pie when two huge men came crashing thru the front door.  It was the Head brothers, they were mean, they were ornery, the smelled bad,  and had been kicked out of Vacation Bible school when they were eight and nine for lighting the preachers Bible on fire with a magnifying glass.

Well they knocked over some chairs and sat down at the counter and ordered two whole pies which were the last ones in the diner.  Miss Christmas served them and they proceeded to eat those two pies with the dirty greasy fingers.  Well Grandpappy Abner was disappointed but it was not against the law to eat pie in a nasty manner.  So he paid his bill took his prisoner to the bathroom and was coming out when he heard Mary yelling.

The two Head brothers were by the front door and Mary was blocking the door.   They had eaten almost the whole pies and then complained about the pies being terrible and said they were not paying for the pies.    Well anyone in Washabuckforest County knew that the Christmas pies were the best around and still are till this day.  Well Grandpappy Abner knew that these two rascals were not going to get away with intimidating Mary, so after telling Juan to sit down he approached the two Head boys from the rear and tapped them on the shoulder.  The two turned as one to face Grandpappy and when the saw the star pinned to his shirt they looked at each other smiled and then both threw punches.   Well Grandpappy was ready for this and held up a pie pan (now this was not the wimpy pie pans we have now a day’s these were made to last, in fact a pie pan like this was used as a spare tire for landing a B17 flying fortress in WW2 but that is another story) and caught both punches right where his jaw should have been.   Well this broke both of the Head boys hands, but these were seasoned brawlers and they were not going to let a few broken bones stop them, and the fight was on.  There was punching, kicking, gouging and poking,  and as tough as Grandpappy Abner was there were two of them Head boys, so right as Grandpappy was biting the smaller one on the ankle the bigger one was about to bash Grandpappy with a full Coke bottle.   I say was about to, when Juan, a man about to be taken to jail by Grandpappy Abner and still in handcuffs hit the senior Head brother on the noggin with the pie pan which had been dropped to the floor during the brawl.

The pie pan unforntunelty had a dent in it, and so did the older Head brother, which was not unfortunate.  With one brother out cold the other  brother was very easily controlled and Grandpappy was able to handcuff them together after taking the handcuffs off Juan.   Well with that Grandpappy paid his bill, Mary promised him a free pie  next time he came in and  they were off again for the drive to the jail but this was a problem there was not enough room in the back of the truck for all three prisoners,  and due to an unfortunate accident with a cigar and a bottle of rum there was no passenger seat.

Grandpappy could not un-cuff the Head brothers, and he was not going to make Juan ride on bare metal all the way to the prison, especially not since Juan had probably just saved him from a pretty bad beating.  Well Grandpappy made a decision and told Juan he was letting him go if he promised to turn himself in the next morning which Juan agreed to.  Well with that Grandpappy took the Head brothers to jail.  When he got there he explained to the sheriff what happened and the sheriff agreed with him,  and that is where we get the saying.

Two Heads are better than Juan.

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My writings about the world, sci-fi, fantasy, and outright lies.

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